So what was originally meant to be my last post for 2011 is now my first for 2012. I spent last evening trying to write my blog while the television was blaring over the air conditioner, the Munchkin was screaming he wasnt tired while forcing his eyes back into his head, the neighbours were all having parties and their children screaming in the back yard and all I wanted to do was climb into my cone of silence. And to top it off the keyboard was having some kind of nervous breakdown and kept omitting random letters from the page. Its was all too much!!
Today is a new day and new year and I am feeling hopeful, anything is possible. Last year was hard for many of us and like many I have this feeling that there is something good about even numbers. I have sense of nervous excitement, a sense of bigger changes to come.
Some people don’t like to look back or dwell on the past, what’s done is done, we cannot change the past and while I know this is true on many levels, for me the past has everything to do with who I am today. It’s important for me to look back, to reflect, to make peace with my past, to see what I could have done differently and to forgive myself and others for any wrong doings that may have (real or otherwise) been done. I don’t believe that I can truly move forward until I have made peace with my past and today, looking back over the past year I feel that 2011 was finally that for me.
When my Pop died in October, I was so overcome with grief it consumed me. His death was quick and unexpected. At 89 I knew that it was inevitable but I assumed we would all have time to say goodbye just like we did with Nanna. I did not. I was wracked with guilt for not being there, for not visiting more often, and I was angry because my pain and insecurities had kept me away. I was ashamed of what my life had become, of who I had become and I couldn’t bare for him to see that and ultimately, my own stupidity stopped me from being with the people I loved.
After his passing I have received many gifts, the biggest has been finding myself. For the first time ever I think, I gave myself permission to grieve, with no analysing, no judgement, no timeframes I just allowed it to be and come when and how it needed and boy did it come and then the floodgates opened! Every pain, disappointment, fear, sense of loss swept over me. Tears turned into sobs, sobs turned into strange primordial sounds and as I lay huddled in my fetal position I could finally see me underneath all the rubble.
In Poppy’s passing he has given me back myself, he was a man of strength and conviction and it is his words that I hear daily when I am finding things a struggle. Keep going, you are strong, you can do this, this is the Bosworth way. I had never considered myself a victim but I realised that is exactly what I had become, a victim of my own circumstances, I didn’t like it and it was time to stop.
I have inherited many fine qualities from my grandfather, his strength, his passion, his sensitivity, his stubborness, his love of hoarding because there is always another use for something, (possibly not so fine a quality), his love of nature, his sense of justice and his ability to be positive no matter what. I had just not owned them for a while.
So I only have one new years resolution this year and that is simply to be me, to be true to my SELF.
You may not like it but I don’t care, and even though that’s not really true because I am highly sensitive and care deeply, it means that I shan’t let that bother me anymore. I know where I am now, and yes, this is the beginning and is going to take hard work before I am completely free but I have a goal, I have a purpose and most of all I actually have found me, its something magical and there is no going back.
Happy new year, may peace, love and light surround you always.