A blog about ramblings in my head

Is this the path to enlightenment??? July 19, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 10:44 am
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Yesterday was the beginning of a new term.

Traditionally school mornings are stressful for me.  It takes several hours to wake Zee from his slumber and get him fed and organised to get out the door and since the Munchkin came on the scene it became even more stressful not only because I had another person to get ready but he whines often as he is can be very difficult to understand (dyspraxia) naturally creating a lot of frustration on both sides.  As the boys have gotten older the seem to annoy each other more so the mornings can be quite loud all this adding to my stress levels and by 9.00am I am generally exhausted.

I have been working on ways to de-stress and one of them is to be organised so in my attempt to start the new term off fresh I spent the night prior being a Domestic Diva and supremely organised.  I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped floors, sorted out the washing. I even tidied up the office, paid a few bills,  sent a few emails regarding this weeks meetings at school (I’m on 4 committees) and even managed to look at a few blogs and chat to a friend online.

I crawled into bed tired but very pleased with my efforts and happy that the day could start off with nothing to stress about but getting Zee out of bed.

What seemed like moments later Munchkin woke up crying about things I could not make out, somehow I made out the word Playschool (always recorded) so I staggered out and turned on the tv.  Wondering why Grumpy One who normally leaves the house by 6.30 was still snoring I looked at the clock and realised it was 4.30!  What!!  “It’s still night-time! Mummy’s need their sleep!”.  After making sure that he was fed and warm I tried to get a little more sleep when almost instantly I was being ordered to get up! “Come on its a school day you need to set a good example for the children?” WTF??

The morning continued with more mishaps, spilt milk, cut fingers, even Zee telling me that obviously I didn’t love him because I hadn’t woken him (had only been trying for almost two hours!!!) what is it with everyone today.  At some point I had surrended and acknowledged the morning would involve a drive to school.  Some days it just makes this easier plus I can go straight onto the supermarket.

My nice clean house was slowly becoming a dump.  Lego were strewn across the floor, my washing so neatly folded ready to be ironed was tipped out onto the dining table.  After informing Zee that his clothes were already hanging in his wardrobe he informed me that they no longer fitted and was looking for his bigger shirt!  What!!! could he not have told me at the end of last term!!! Sigh

At 8.40 the boys are shunted into the car and we are on our way.  By now I am generally feeling the stress effects taking place but I realised I was actually rather calm.  I had not raised my voice.  Not once!

The day continued as usual.  Did some shopping and watched Munchkin fill the trolley with everything he wanted but rather than getting stressed about it I just calmly put each item back as he went on to his next treasure. Once home I unpacked the groceries, made morning tea, picked up the squished apple explaining once again that food was not eaten on the carpet, played with the Lego even managed to get help putting some of it away.  Washed more dishes with my helper, got a bit done in the office and even managed to make a fabulous roast dinner.

As I was getting ready to go to my meeting I rang Grumpy One and made enquiries as to his whereabouts – he had completely forgotten!  great!  A slight feeling of annoyance arose but nothing beyond that even after asking  Zee to set the table 10 times.  I continued getting ready while contemplating my options, do I cancel or make the decision to leave Zee (14) in charge of Munchkin (4) for half an hour.  The phone rang and I was informed he was now approx 15 minutes away.  Sorted!

So it is day 2 and the house is more messy than it was yesterday! The boys didn’t do the dishes like I had asked, Grumpy One was pleased with himself for stacking!  There is mud in the house from work boots which are never to be worn inside, washing seems to have suddenly appeared in the laundry AGAIN! and beds have been left unmade and yet amazingly I am still feeling calm.

So either I have achieved Zen like qualities over the school holidays or being tired actually works for me and keeps me calm ( of course it could be that I am simply too tired to care).  Whatever the reason I am enjoying this new calmness to my day.  I need peace, I aspire to be like Martha Steward but alas I am not.  I live with 3 males, a dog and a cat.  The house is constantly messy, I have to vacuum a lot but I have been remembering that life is about choices.  I choose to live in a clean house but I choose my sanity more. I choose love and laughter over perfection and arguments and who knows perhaps as this new me evolves it might rub off on my family and they learn how to clean up!.

What are your mornings like?  Do you manage to be super calm and organised because I’m happy for any tips.


Family Outings July 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 2:24 am
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Today we needed to take a family friend back to Chadstone and because it takes 50 mins to get there I thought it might be nice to have a family outing on the way there and make a day of it.

Our usual ritual upon deciding to leave the house is for everyone to suddenly go off in different directions. Grumpy One invariably needs to make toilet stops and have numerous cups of coffee, Zee is always needing one more minute to complete a task (these minutes always take at least 10) and Munchkin will choose that exact moment to do something completely out there like smear peanut butter on the tv which leaves me trying to run around and organise everyone.

So after agreeing to make a day of it Grumpy One said he would take us to Costco.  My husband has a dry sense of humour and assuming he was joking I happily got into the car thinking of all the lovely things we could do at the Docklands.  It was not until we were actually stopped and parked that I realised he was completely serious.

It’s not that I don’t like Costco, there is an array of goodies to be sort after and some very affordable prices but frankly I don’t always want a years supply of toilet paper or buy 24 cans of chickpeas (we just used the last one) but my issue wasn’t so much with the shop but the fact that he was taking us shopping.  Does he not remember the last time?

Shopping and my family do not work well together, in fact not many outings go smoothly for us at all but shopping is the mother of all disasters. Because it takes so long to leave the house we inevitably arrive at our destination by lunch time so the children are already grumpy from lack of food and already tired from the journey.  Yes I do usually take snacks with us but lately particularly with the eldest one, I cannot keep up with his constant demand for food and convinced he has overly active stomach acid am seriously considering an intravenous drip.

Going out as a family is fraught with tension as none of us do particularly well with crowds,  however while I can manage to cope my family do not.  My children both have sensory issues and react quite differently; Munchkin gets sensory overload and become more hyperactive the bigger his world becomes so we generally try to keep him in the stroller or trolley as this entrapment aids in keeping him calm.  Zee who has NEVER been compliant with shopping is now a teenager and spends the entire time asking if we are finished yet and when can he go home, there is rarely anything that interests him for very long and he spends his time constantly moaning unless being fed. He is also very protective of his baby brother and tends to take on the role of parent when we are out. This can be rather sweet and helpful but is often bossy and overbearing. These behaviours stress my husband out big time and combined with his enormous dislike of crowds makes for a very stressful environment especially for me.  Usually I spend the outing trying to calm everyone down while having multiple mini stress attacks and then finally end up totally disillusioned, not getting anything that we set out to get in the first place and just want to find a big cave and stay there.

Today was a typical shopping experience other than the amusement park across the road was actually open so we thought it might be fun to check it out,  unfortunately the weather was not very accommodating and also was aimed at younger children so Zee decided within the first 30 seconds he was bored.  For some reason he has taken to wearing thongs, partly I think because he is so tall he just cant be bothered stretching all the way to his toes.  Anyway within the first five minutes his toes were blue so now he was cold and bored.  Just have to note that this child was also going to leave home without jacket. We stayed long enough to have a few quick rides but as it was starting to rain and I was needing a bathroom stop we ventured into Costco’s. The agreement was food first, shopping after; the pizza slices are cheap and huge and unlimited refills of drink.

Once in we grabbed the last remaining trolley and Grumpy One headed for the audio-visual equipment.  I needed the loo so excused myself and rushed off. On my speedy return I arrived to find Grumpy One and Zee in some kind of argument that neither were willing to discuss (thankfully friend has known us for years and is considered part of the family otherwise might never come back).  Grumpy One continued on his way when I gently reminded him that we were going to get food first (it was now 1.00). ” Fine” he says and turns around swiftly almost taking a television with him.  We arrive at the very crowded food hall and I scan for an empty table.  Grabbing it as quickly as I could I sat down only to find husband trying to deal with trolley and child and not being able to manoeuver his way around another womans trolley. By this time Grumpy One had reached his limit and no matter what I tried there was no bringing him back.  We ate in silence, did a quick scan around the store, think there was momentary happiness at incredibly cheap Parathas and then we were bundled into the car heading south towards Chadstone. I think the only words spoken were “we are never coming again with the kids or on a weekend”.

We always end family outings with this quote and of course never do it.  So why do we keep punishing ourselves? Why do we keep banging our head against the wall and stressing ourselves out?

There are obvious reasons for going out as a family. Since we have moved it takes us longer to get anywhere and I don’t like the idea of Zee being home too long by himself.  A short time is fine but not all day, secondly we do not have relatives close by or know our neighbours well enough to babysit the Munchkin and I am not comfortable leaving the two of them home together in fear that only one will be standing when we return.  The biggest reason though is that I still cling to the hope that one day we will magically be able to connect as a family and manage family outings without the moans, the arguments and the stress.

There is a bright side today though, in my endeavours to remember that I always have a choice and am not a victim I managed to hold it together fairly well.  I didn’t feel like I was about to have a heart attack.  Do I have heartburn? yes and will probably for a day or so but I did remember to breath.  I also tried to take as many photos as I could on my phone as we rapidly speed through the city so at least I had a chance to play.  Maybe I will never have the family life I wanted and dreamed of, perhaps my expectations are too high but I am trying to remember to see the light in everything and have fun.  Life’s too short as they say.

I don’t know I’m just a beginner really what do you think?


Stepping into manhood – a mothers view June 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 12:29 pm
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first shoes

his first shoes

I have spent the weekend rearranging and changing rooms, it was a fairly big task to take on especially given that neither my husband or eldest son like change but after a rocky start and lots of tears I think everyone is happier.  It was possibly not the smartest choice given that the end of the financial year is literally days away and the office now has large piles of books and papers to sort through before I can even start working but at least they are in neat piles and the house is finally how I wanted it in the first place.

While sorting through the Munchkins room I found an old back pack full of shoes including the very first pair of shoes that my eldest son ever had.  It’s not the first time I have reconnected with these shoes but today they made more impact I suppose as it brought back so many memories.  It is hard to imagine that my now 6’3″ son was ever that small, the shoes seem so tiny but for his age, he was 14 months at the time, they were considered big.  Those size 5 feet have grown into size fourteen and my little boy is fast becoming a man and needing to shave.

So far the teenage experience is a challenging one,  sensitive, intense and emotional as a young child everything seems magnified.  He can be gentle one minute and explosive the next.  He rarely seems to speak but rather shouts and his constant questions to which are generally completely random but require highly specific answers have now turned into questions I am incapable of answering.  Like what is one billion, gazillion, million to the power of 4 “or If the world ended tomorrow and we travelled to the moon would we still eat cheese”.  He doesn’t like to be hugged but loves to hug me only he tends to grab me from behind and choke me and hasn’t realised that he is equally as strong as he is tall and that it often hurts me. We seem to clash a lot so when a magical moment happens they are precious and special treasures. Tonight was one of those occasions because I taught my son to shave.

It might seem such a simple thing to others but it means so much to me on many levels. Shaving someone is an intimate experience and this initation was one I never expected to be involved in. I assumed it was the fathers role and in fact expected it. His father and I had discussed it several times, I even arranged for Grandpa to be a back up, unfortunately  his father isn’t so good with these kind of moments he is not comfortable with such things and as Zee had been hinting of sorts at the shaving thing I got that he was finally ready.

For several months I have curbed the desire to pluck those little hairs out while he was sleeping, they taunted me daily but in the last few weeks the two little hairs mated and suddenly there was a family of them growing under his chin. I was beginning to see visions of Captain Sparrow and his plaited beard before me.  Does it really grow that quickly and will his worst fears be realised once he starts to shave and it become a daily occurrence?  These are things I cannot answer but I am simply grateful that my son was willing to share this ritual with me.

So there we were, warm water in the sink, face lathered and razor in hand, we were both a little nervous.  I used to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and paid particular attention to the grooming segment, (maybe I knew I would need this information later), so I felt comfortable with my knowledge regarding beard shaving technique but it is a different thing in reality and the thought of my son having blood gushing from his neck was a little intimidating. I calmed myself down as I realised that his choice of razor had managed to do a very good job on my legs over the years so they couldn’t be that dangerous.

Five minutes later the job was complete, perhaps not the smoothest job possible but I wanted him to understand the feel of the razor against his skin and the contours of his face and next time we can start to tackle the dark shadows appearing on his upper lip.

When I look back over the past 14 years I feel blessed to have been part of so many firsts, for the most part it was just the two of us sharing them together; his first feed, first bath, his first steps, first word, first tooth and the first tooth fairy, even his first day of school and so it seems fitting that I was allowed access to this manly passage.  I am especially honoured given that the permission came from my child who rarely lets me in on an intimate level. He shares little of his thoughts or feelings and I really got that he was ready to shave and was scared and wanted me to be there.

Hopefully there will be many more milestones and firsts for my son but my days of being part of them are likely numbered but for now I am honoured and doing a little happy dance that even though he is growing up so quickly, when life really matters to him he still wants me to be a part of it.


One piece at a time May 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 5:41 pm
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I have been trying to write another blog entry since Easter but haven’t as there is so much going on in my brain and so much rubbish to wade through that I don’t know where to start or for that matter how much I need to edit? I mean how much do I really want to reveal, how deep and truthful do I want to get? Do I want my friends to know how badly I am failing as a woman, wife and mother.

When asking for help on said blog, a friend told me to “pick one subject and write on that” but that’s easier said than done.  What do you do when every aspect of your life is spewed out on the floor as though a tidal wave had ravaged through your house leaving a wake of destruction.   Where do you start when the mess seems endless and the idea of starting seems so completing overwhelming?

And so to take my friend’s advice I being to write…..

30 minutes later and am basically staring at the same 3 paragraphs.  I have written and erased 20 more but one topic merges into another and then suddenly it doesn’t make sense.  Time to make a coffee and come start again.  H3 (4 yr old) has fallen asleep amazingly, so am using quiet time constructively to write my blog, am feeling pleased.

Right, lets begin.  Big Sigh, wriggle in chair. pull knickers out of bum.  Okay …..

After reviewing the events of the past few days its interesting to me how much they parallel my life.  For instance, I had always planned on marrying Prince Edward, I guess I could have aimed higher but Prince Charles was really an old fogie and just didn’t do it for me, Prince Andrew was okay but Prince Edward was much closer to me in age and lets face it was rather cute.  I was forever faithful and wrote to him often declaring my love and patiently waited for his in return but alas, as my letters went unanswered, I moved on.  Hugh Grant did have my affections for a while but then there was the “incident” and my parents would never have allowed it.   I did eventually marry an Englishman and while he isn’t of Royal decent he is a plumber so you could say I finally have my connection to the Throne.

H2 (14 yr old) has arrived home and is actually talking to me, obviously a good day at school today….  “Hey mum guess what my english homework is?” ‘”Don’t know what?” “Reading haha” .

 H1 (plumber) arrives shortly after,  Oh God, I’m on a roll and now they want to interact!!  it’s a conspiracy they never speak to me. Please leave am being creative.  Okay where was I….

I guess trying to suggest that my life is at all connected to a Terrorist is a bit much and probably dangerous at this point in time but I did tell you my mind was a mess and as I can barely verbalize a complete sentence am sure I’m safe.  I am not a fan of war and violence although my family think I am a terrorist or is that terrorize??  I have to confess that once a month (although they say it’s always), some weird force does take over my body and I cannot be held accountable for my actions.  To be fair I try to warn them off, “My boobs are going to explode, do not come near me or reap the consequences”  or “Am feeling like a time bomb today please tread gently” do they listen?? NO!! and yet somehow I am a crazy person who needs to be locked up,  perhaps to a child the sight of their mother frothing at the mouth and steam billowing out her nostrils is a bit intimidating but I really do try to warn them.  You would have thought that after 15 years H1 would know how to defuse me especially as I kindly gave him a blueprint with very clear and precise instruction but he lost it.

I just hope that when the children are older they still have some compassion and don’t come after with me missiles.

The heating is coming on and I can hear the pipes expanding, it sounds like mice, we had a plague of them just recently.  It was disgusting.  I could have literally packed up and moved just to get away from them.  I am really not sure what is worse; finding decapitated bodies on the floor (thank God I was looking where my feet were going), or pulling or should I say tearing the couch literally apart trying to find where the stench was coming from only to discover a mouse way past its use by date lying not so peacefully on the floor.  Or the time I opened the laundry door and grabbed the doggie treat bag only to have a mouse attack me and gnaw my eyes out, okay that part isn’t true but the doggie bag part is and I did nearly die on the spot when the biscuit I was getting felt warm and soft.

Its 5.00 and therefore I should be thinking about food as it will soon be time to leave for Karate.  H1 and H2 have been doing Karate for years and I have been thinking about joining for a while but am 1. terribly unfit and 2. H3 needs a lot of looking after so a good excuse but tonight is parent/student evening so it really does seem like the perfect opportunity.

Can you see how my mind is working?  it is actually poignant that I finally write my blog today as it may possibly be my last. Sensei is one tough cookie – not Tiffany but if you know TBL you will get the point.

Random and not so random thoughts still race through my brain and in all serious I know it will take some time to sort through them all and work out how I’m feeling and what to do next but I have, at least I think I have, come to a realisation. It doesn’t matter what event has taken place, whether it’s a wedding, funeral or natural disaster the end result is always the same.

As we stare at the aftermath wondering where to begin there really is only one thing to do first to regain some order. Sort through the mess and clean it up once piece at a time.


Twittermania April 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 9:59 am

I have just spent the best part of several hours chatting to some of my new online besties. Hard to believe that four weeks ago I had not tapped into this amazingly addictive yet interesting phenomenon.  Twitter was hardly for me, I am not famous or funny, rarely interesting and to be honest who really wants to know what I had for breakfast, if I got lucky the night before or where I would be buying my groceries.  I mean please, this was obviously a forum for people with way too much time on their hands!

I knew that one of my real life friends used it to keep her up to date with current affairs and for entertainment.  A popular person and technically savvy, I often pimped her for information regarding local current affairs but was certain this was definitely not for me. Several days later, perhaps by divine intervention Twitter appeared on my phone.  I truly do not know how it arrived, but there it was, the sweet little bird beckoning me to take a further peep.  Before long I was in, complete with user name and a list of friends that had magically been found for me, two of them being my siblings who have not yet realised I’m following them and my real life friend.  So now what?  twiddling of thumbs and a burning curiosity I had no idea where to direct my thoughts and I sat staring into my phone. Thankfully, I was mentioned by said friend and suddenly there were 8 followers, all willing to give me advice and encouragement to keep tweeting.

Hashtags and text slang have become part of my vocabulary and I have received and hopefully given waves, hugs and kisses although I must confess that the little star thingy’s allude me and I think at times I have made up my own slang but there is always someone willing to correct me, usually one in particular but we won’t mention any names.

I have joined in on some crazy conversations, had radio chats about everything and nothing.  Learnt what the perfect bra cup is, (it seems women are more particular about this than men), who shaves or waxes and how people view tattoos. I have been given advice on design topics, design applications, relationships, child rearing, movie choices and domestic bliss including finding slow cooker recipes.  I have flirted, laughed, listened and cried, I have vented a lot and this past month has been oddly therapeutic. 

My Twitter friends are now global and I have met some fantastic people, writers, designers, humanitarians, librarians, mothers, fathers and struggling students. Everyone is willing to say g’day and no matter how much you want to whinge, vent or just spew crap everyone is still okay with it.  Its like the perfect relationship I can really be myself warts and all and I’m still loved and respected in the morning!  Why can’t I be this free in my relationship?  maybe that’s just my relationship but shouldn’t we be able to express ourselves freely and not risk rejection?

Like all new relationships, there are phases,  I am currently in phase one, completely infatuated where everything is magical and I wait with giddy enthusiasm for my phone to beep knowing that I have Tweet, but like all new relationships the moment arrives when we learn that a life exists apart from each other and now its time to find the balance between reality and my new-found world.  I will wean myself away to appropriate usage as its been highly addictive and I have achieved little in the past few weeks but for right now I will keep my phone charged and close by, no point in rushing right?


Hello cyber world I’m finally here April 9, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 9:17 am

Hello world,

here I am finally writing my first blog, something I have been wanting to do forever but was too afraid to try, well actually I did try to set up a travel diary a few years ago but I couldn’t seem to direct anyone to it so it became a seriously futile exercise. 

When it comes to anything web based I lack confidence, a part of my brain completely freezes and I cannot seem to move beyond my own cyber phobia.  I was like this at college, when it came to learning html coding I choked, every Tuesday I would wake with a headache that rapidly escalated to migraine status.  No matter how many times my teacher explained it and made me copy the basic coding over again it simply would not register.  There I was doomed to failure.  It didn’t help that my teacher was void of any human attributes, he was probably a technical genius but had little time for those of us who were technically challenged and to him I was simply the student taking up valuable programming time and one he tried to avoid.

It was finally years later when writing my own notes and exercises for a basic web design program (somehow I was talked into running it) that the simplicity of it all fell into place, it was as though the pieces of a puzzle magically fell into place and I understood their true meaning.

It was like this with Blogging.  My desire to pursue this idea was overshadowed by my enormous fear of the unknown cyber world and I continued to travel around in circles, researching hosting sites, blogs, blog names, user names, what do I say, what do I not say etc and so I continued until the burning need for my fingers to vent could no longer be contained and here I am at the completion of my first blog.

As a recently new aquaintance said “just do it”and now that I have it really wasn’t that bad and I’m wondering why it took me so long