crooked_fairytale

A blog about ramblings in my head

Time; It’s a Journey December 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 12:44 pm
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Another year is about to close and a new one about to begin.  According to the stars it appears that the planets are aligning to make it a good one for many of us, but no matter what may or may not be written the New Year for many it is the opportunity to start fresh and write a new chapter or perhaps even a new book. The new year brings fresh hope, the chance for change, new opportunities and while I can’t predict when any of our dreams and hopes may materialise I do know that Time is part of the equation.

 TIME

noun

1.         the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.  “travel through space and time”

2.         a point of time as measured in hours and minutes past midnight or noon.

Time can be definable in precise measurements and yet what happens within those increments of time can be such a profound and individual experience for everyone.

This time last year I was barely aware of anything, I think for the first time ever I had no new year resolutions, my main aim was to keep waking up in the morning and get out of bed.

The house settled on 18th December and the boys and I had just moved into our rented townhouse around the corner.  Nothing in my life was the same anymore. My marriage was over and while it had been over for a while I guess the house was the last piece to the puzzle, I knew that chapter was finally closed.

The direction in which I thought I was heading was slammed shut and then the sudden and unexpected death of my father threw me into a downward spiral I never thought I’d come out of.

I had no sense of direction, no sense of self, no sense of anything. I felt lost and alone and even though in my father’s death I rediscovered my sisters our relationship was so new I wasn’t sure yet where I fitted, my grief wasn’t something I felt I could share.

It is said that time heals all wounds but I’m not sure that’s true, it heals some wounds but the scars remain. What it does gives you is perspective and that is what this year has been; a time of healing and understanding, it has been a time of acceptance and change and a time of trust and growth.  I have allowed myself the time to grieve, to feel, to express my thoughts and feelings and not make excuses for them and somehow in the process of letting go the emptiness and sadness I felt continues to replaced with exquisite sense of love and joy.

The past twelve months has been two definite halves, part one about loss and letting go and part two about hope and letting in.  On reflection this year has been about completion and fulfilment. Where there was once lack there is now abundance. I wanted to feel loved, respected and special and while I now realise this on my own I also have a man who shows me every day, I wanted to feel part of a family and now I have an abundance of family bringing with it new challenges but I am excited at the prospect of working through them.  My heart was depleted but now it is overflowing.

There are many times I question myself and my sanity and most likely I always will, perhaps I truly am a little crazy but hey that’s part of my genetics, its in my blood, its part of who I am  but I also know that there is so much more to me and these days I like myself 90% of the time so now I intend the work on the other 10%; it might just take a little time.

And so as 2013 draws to a close I wish you all a new year filled with love, joy and happiness, a fullness of belly and wallet and also of heart.  May you always feel loved, respected and special and may time always allow you the opportunity to heal, to grow and to see that you make a difference.

Wishing you all love and light

xx

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Its a new day, a new year and anything is possible January 1, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 10:28 am
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So what was originally meant to be my last post for 2011 is now my first for 2012.  I spent last evening trying to write my blog while the television was blaring over the air conditioner, the Munchkin was screaming he wasnt tired while forcing his eyes back into his head, the neighbours were all having parties and their children screaming in the back yard and all I wanted to do was climb into my cone of silence.  And to top it off the keyboard was having some kind of nervous breakdown and kept omitting random letters from the page. Its was all too much!!

Today is a new day and new year and I am feeling hopeful, anything is possible.  Last year was hard for many of us and like many I have this feeling that there is something good about even numbers. I have sense of nervous excitement, a sense of bigger changes to come.

Some people don’t like to look back or dwell on the past, what’s done is done, we cannot change the past and while I know this is true on many levels, for me the past has everything to do with who I am today.  It’s important for me to look back, to reflect, to make peace with my past,  to see what I could have done differently and to forgive myself and others for any wrong doings that may have (real or otherwise) been done. I don’t believe that I can truly move forward until I have made peace with my past and today, looking back over the past year I feel that 2011 was finally that for me.

When my Pop died in October, I was so overcome with grief it consumed me.  His death was quick and unexpected.  At 89 I knew that it was inevitable but I assumed we would all have time to say goodbye just like we did with Nanna.  I did not.  I was wracked with guilt for not being there, for not visiting more often, and I was angry because my pain and insecurities had kept me away.  I was ashamed of what my life had become, of who I had become and I couldn’t bare for him to see that and ultimately, my own stupidity stopped me from being with the people I loved.

After his passing I have received many gifts, the biggest has been finding myself.   For the first time ever I think,  I gave myself permission to grieve, with no analysing, no judgement, no timeframes I just allowed it to be and come when and how it needed and boy did it come and then the floodgates opened!  Every pain, disappointment, fear, sense of loss swept over me.  Tears turned into sobs, sobs turned into strange primordial sounds and as I lay huddled in my fetal position I could finally see me underneath all the rubble.

In Poppy’s passing he has given me back myself, he was a man of strength and conviction and it is his words that I hear daily when I am finding things a struggle.  Keep going, you are strong, you can do this, this is the Bosworth way.  I had never considered myself a victim but I realised that is exactly what I had become, a victim of my own circumstances,  I didn’t like it and it was time to stop.

I have inherited many fine qualities from my grandfather, his strength, his passion, his sensitivity, his stubborness, his love of hoarding because there is always another use for something, (possibly not so fine a quality), his love of nature, his sense of justice and his ability to be positive no matter what.  I had just not owned them for a while.

So I only have one new years resolution this year and that is simply to be me, to be true to my SELF.

You may not like it but I don’t care, and even though that’s not really true because I am highly sensitive and care deeply, it means that I shan’t let that bother me anymore.  I know where I am now, and yes, this is the beginning and is going to take hard work before I am completely free but I have a goal, I have a purpose and most of all I actually have found me, its something magical and there is no going back.

Happy new year, may peace, love and light surround you always.

xx