A blog about ramblings in my head

And they wonder why Im the crazy woman of Melbourne town April 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 4:02 pm
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It can often be challenging to find activities for both my boys to participate in given that there is 9 years and nine months between them so Mum came up with the brilliant idea of taking them both into the city via train and looking at some of the various places around town.  I was actually quite excited because this offered something for all of us, fun, culture and of course a day out together.  So here is how it went…

7.00 woke up by Munchkin as per usual with the desperate plea for “bikit or” chocwat egg”.  Not before breakfast says I, “I don’t want bweakfast” he says stamping his little feet.  “”Okay go hungry” as I make him some cereal and stumble back to bed eager to return to my book of which I was nearly finished.

8.00, wondering if today is the day to go into the city, am actually enjoying being lazy and finishing my book as Zee is still sleeping and the Munchkin is playing (hammering) ever so sweetly on the keyboard, (ie he is entertaining himself so always a bonus).

8.05 the phone rings, its Mum, yes we are going, yes its good to get out of the house.  Yes we know where we are going, sort of.

8.30 I am fed, clean and showered, the little one is half dressed and I am trying to get the big one out of bed.   I am met with groans and “Go aways!”

8.45  Oops better feed the animals

8.50  Still trying to get Teen out of bed, Munchkin is running around naked laughing at me madly running around after him trying to get dressed.

9.00 Zee finally stumbles out of bed and even though he knows that I want to be gone by 9.30 he has to do everything in a certain order (it’s an Aspie thing) and NEVER hurries.  Rush around madly trying to get snacks ready, coats, check Leappad for batteries, double-check timetables, doors locked, car packed, check face, no makeup oh well stuff it and I think we are ready. Zee finds out we are going to city by train.  Doesn’t want to go by train, hates trains, hates people.  Its going to be one of those days. 😦

9.30  Get in the car, no wait, Zee still has not got shoes on (always last thing).  “we have to go!!” I have timed everything so that we can get the 10.13 train from Epping.  Munchkin yells out.  “where we goin?

9.35  In the car, Zee has phone on Google maps and is giving directions, sweet, and we are off for our adventure. Munchkin yells out ‘we going train?

9.37.  Hit Plenty Road.  Traffic jam, road works.  Bugger!  I always forget to allow for the stupid road works, how long can a road take anyway? probably miss first train, oh well not important, it doesn’t matter really.”We there yet?

10.00 13 minutes of listening to Are we there yet? and its a long way,  we reach the train station.  Pleased we still could make 10.13 train. Very impressed with Zee and his navigational skills, cos the number of times I’ve been to the station are 2, number of times have caught train Zilch.  Find the tiny car park, no spots, ok still have time, just go around the corner.  Busy road, can’t get out, cars stop for traffic lights and of course no one thinks to stop to allow me to get out.  Arghh!  Sneakily push my way in.  ‘Go around block, Zee thinks there is another car park close by, tells me at last minute to turn corner, nearly get killed by oncoming car!  Stress levels peaking!  “Where is this car park?” Ï dunno” great!  go up and down road no car park, and street parking is either no standing or all taken.   Maybe I should just drive to the city or just give up the idea completely.

10.10 See empty car park close to station entrance, make possible illegal u-turn to car park to find it is a drop of point only, pull into spot to think and try to find car park in directory. Little lady asks me to move up as her car is sticking out 2 cm behind me and she wants to drop off her granddaughter WT??  Leave car park and drive down another street, still thinking of driving straight in only realise I haven’t a clue which direction I am now heading.  Zee tells me to turn around.  Good move.

10.15 Finally find car park in creepy side street, Zee wants to go home, I want to go home. The Munchkin has eaten my snacks not his, (am on low carb diet and eating high protein snacks so don’t go for sugary things when tired)  didn’t like my snack so he crumbled it into tiny little pieces all over himself, car and my handbag.  Water bottle was left open so bag is crumbly and wet.  Am mad.  Why didn’t you eat your own snacks?  “you mad?” yes I’m mad.  Munchkin cries, Zee gets mad wants to go home, I get mad although no longer sure at what really, Frustrated.  Terrific! am now looking like feral crazy woman in middle of creepy street, probably fit right in!

10.22 Make it to train station, worried my car might not be there when we return, will worry about it later.  Time to calm down, we made it all in once piece, doesn’t really matter what time we get home I suppose, although don’t really want to walk back to creepy street in the dark and especially to find my car stolen.

10.25.  Head for platform down steep stairs that Munchkin nearly throws himself off, thinking it might be fun, on reaching the bottom he spys pebbles on track just as train is approaching.  Manage to rescue child just in time.  Crisis averted.

10.31 Woohoo we made it,  Am having so much fun!! Zee sitting behind me not talking, not such a bad thing as he is reading Book 3 of the Hunger Games Trilogy and I am eager for him to finish.  Munchkin amuses people for several moments being cute and asking “Who you?” his version of what is your name and then proudly telling them his name and number.  Thankfully he doesn’t tell anyone where we live.  First stop minutes later is at Lalor and the first thing I notice is its HUGE car park, OMG!  Sigh, I really should work out where I live. Did I tell you I don’t normally do public transport?

Somewhere from here on Munchkin decides that he loves the feeling of being thrown around by the train and refuses to sit on his seat no matter how much I ask him to sit down and explain the possible dangers.  Wants to sit with his brother, met with a loud NO!!, wants to know why people aren’t talking to him, wants to know if we are there yet.  Spins around several times, sits on the floor, stands on the seat, tries to reach for the hanging bars over head.  Finally at least I keep him contained in our seating area and figure if he falls at least there shouldn’t be much damage to either one of us, hopefully.

11.00ish No longer care really, we arrive in the city.  Zee kindly offers to do the toilet run, Yay, nice Zee has returned.  Try to leave, tickets don’t work, not validated.  Thankfully gate-keeper lovely and validates then lets us through.  Make our way to Federation square, take a few photos, “Why are you taking photos?” cos I like to?  Tsk your always taking photos’, its stupid” sigh.  Realise we have walked past the tourist kiosk, and decide to visit ACMI the museum of moving images.

I could have had an excellent time in there if I wasn’t trying to stop the Munchkin from climbing on the exhibits or Zee yelling at him demanding he stop touching things. Both the boys have sensory issues and by now its fairly obvious they are in sensory overload.  As calmly as possible I try to explain that the Munchkin is actually allowed to touch things here and that I am capable of looking after him if he wants to go look at some stuff on his own.  We purposely brought the stroller as a containment device when things got to bad, he has already been placed in several times.  Finally we manage to have a good time I think, there is a great games area and both boys enjoy that and I make a mental note to come back on my own and take a good look around.  Its pretty cool.

12.45 ish am in the Tourist kiosk trying to find maps of city, city tram etc, Munchkin is touching everything again, Zee is yelling again, kind lady tells me about tourist bus that is probably easier and better as kids will have room.  I think she sees my pain.

1.ooish  No wonder everyone is ratty, its past feeding time.  Sit down at first cafe I find that has available seats and looks to be child friendly.  Turns out to be 5 star Cafe with no kids menu but is close to outdoor entertainment and kids seem to like the music.  Munchkin has 2 chips and declares he is full because he wants to go dancing, encourage more food eating and tell him he can dance next to the table, Zac scours from under jacket, his food he tells me looks grose but tastes really good.  Bonus.  Can we go home yet he says?  Seriously thinking about it, but no damn it we are going to have a good day and I want to take him to the Old Melbourne Gaol.  We finish meal and quickly throw chips into napkin and throw into handbag, Am not wasting chips they cost a million dollars.  Now seriously looking like crazy lady.

2.00 On the tourist bus, I manage to take a breather and work out where we need to get off, worked out it was stop 5 or at least that’s what the map calls it.  Several stops later and bus is really full, Munchkin suddenly in overload again, starts being silly, pulling my shirt down, (pet hate), kicking screaming, people staring.  Are we having fun yet?  Bus driver suddenly calls out Stop 5, but then calls out Chinatown, something doesn’t compute. Zee yells this is it, No wait I say.  Suddenly he has taken brother and they are off the bus, mad scramble with bags, and stroller and jacket is now dragging on the dirt and I’m pushing through the crowd to get to my children.  Worst possible case scenario – being separated from my children.  I stumble out of the bus, practically push small child into stroller, put soot covered jacket on and the hair that is not in ponytail is sticking up so now I look like crazy homeless person.

I spy a bench seat just up ahead a make a diagonal path straight for it.  A very attractive young man in a suit heads towards me, I realise he isn’t going to get out of my way, I don’t change course, I’m not sure why, possibly because I no longer care, I figure I’m 20 years his senior, I have a stupid stroller that no longer steers very well and because what sane person would not get out of the way of a crazy woman with steam coming out of her ears.  Man stops and demands why I walked in front of him, I yell out Because I wanted to sit down!!.  Sit there waiting in a mix of shame and horror, dont’ normally yell at innocent people, I probably ran over his foot.  Look around for men in white coats waiting to take me away.  Zee mumbles something again.  I crack.  ”I just wanted to do something fun, both of you stop whingeing!  People are staring, I can see the looks of pity towards the children for having such a crazy mother.  A man on the corner yells out something about Jesus is coming!  I want to go home.

I walk, I cry, I want to give up, I don’t think I am meant to be a Mother, it’s too hard, Why can’t it be easy?  I look for the DHS office, or the Funny Farm, I’m ready to hand myself in.  I stop, I have no clue where I am.  Zee asks for the map, I search for the map.  Forgot about wet handbag so found soggy chips have squished in with crumbs and so now I also stink like crazy lady.  I find map. Zee gets us to the Old Gaol. He is good at maps, he likes it, why wouldn’t he have just done that in the beginning.  Why can they not pick up on the signals, Why do I have to lose it for them to be calm.

The Old Melbourne Gaol is fascinating, creepy and claustrophobic but they both love it.  They run, I chose a quite cell and secretly work out ways to stay.  Its time to leave.  We have missed the bus but it’s not really that long a walk back to the train, the walk is good. I buy them both an ice cream as a treat.  I ask them what they thought of the day, its been pretty good” says Zee  “Yep” says Munchkin.  Cool, I’m ready for a drink, did they not notice any of the drama that surrounded the day, does ice cream fix everything, or is this level of stress so normal for them its good?

We make it way back to the creepy street. The car is still there (sorry creepy street residents).  On the way home Zee asks me if we can have a quiet day tomorrow.  You betcha. I’ve stayed in my pj’s all day, after all that’s what Crazy ladies wear these days.


Family Outings July 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 2:24 am
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Today we needed to take a family friend back to Chadstone and because it takes 50 mins to get there I thought it might be nice to have a family outing on the way there and make a day of it.

Our usual ritual upon deciding to leave the house is for everyone to suddenly go off in different directions. Grumpy One invariably needs to make toilet stops and have numerous cups of coffee, Zee is always needing one more minute to complete a task (these minutes always take at least 10) and Munchkin will choose that exact moment to do something completely out there like smear peanut butter on the tv which leaves me trying to run around and organise everyone.

So after agreeing to make a day of it Grumpy One said he would take us to Costco.  My husband has a dry sense of humour and assuming he was joking I happily got into the car thinking of all the lovely things we could do at the Docklands.  It was not until we were actually stopped and parked that I realised he was completely serious.

It’s not that I don’t like Costco, there is an array of goodies to be sort after and some very affordable prices but frankly I don’t always want a years supply of toilet paper or buy 24 cans of chickpeas (we just used the last one) but my issue wasn’t so much with the shop but the fact that he was taking us shopping.  Does he not remember the last time?

Shopping and my family do not work well together, in fact not many outings go smoothly for us at all but shopping is the mother of all disasters. Because it takes so long to leave the house we inevitably arrive at our destination by lunch time so the children are already grumpy from lack of food and already tired from the journey.  Yes I do usually take snacks with us but lately particularly with the eldest one, I cannot keep up with his constant demand for food and convinced he has overly active stomach acid am seriously considering an intravenous drip.

Going out as a family is fraught with tension as none of us do particularly well with crowds,  however while I can manage to cope my family do not.  My children both have sensory issues and react quite differently; Munchkin gets sensory overload and become more hyperactive the bigger his world becomes so we generally try to keep him in the stroller or trolley as this entrapment aids in keeping him calm.  Zee who has NEVER been compliant with shopping is now a teenager and spends the entire time asking if we are finished yet and when can he go home, there is rarely anything that interests him for very long and he spends his time constantly moaning unless being fed. He is also very protective of his baby brother and tends to take on the role of parent when we are out. This can be rather sweet and helpful but is often bossy and overbearing. These behaviours stress my husband out big time and combined with his enormous dislike of crowds makes for a very stressful environment especially for me.  Usually I spend the outing trying to calm everyone down while having multiple mini stress attacks and then finally end up totally disillusioned, not getting anything that we set out to get in the first place and just want to find a big cave and stay there.

Today was a typical shopping experience other than the amusement park across the road was actually open so we thought it might be fun to check it out,  unfortunately the weather was not very accommodating and also was aimed at younger children so Zee decided within the first 30 seconds he was bored.  For some reason he has taken to wearing thongs, partly I think because he is so tall he just cant be bothered stretching all the way to his toes.  Anyway within the first five minutes his toes were blue so now he was cold and bored.  Just have to note that this child was also going to leave home without jacket. We stayed long enough to have a few quick rides but as it was starting to rain and I was needing a bathroom stop we ventured into Costco’s. The agreement was food first, shopping after; the pizza slices are cheap and huge and unlimited refills of drink.

Once in we grabbed the last remaining trolley and Grumpy One headed for the audio-visual equipment.  I needed the loo so excused myself and rushed off. On my speedy return I arrived to find Grumpy One and Zee in some kind of argument that neither were willing to discuss (thankfully friend has known us for years and is considered part of the family otherwise might never come back).  Grumpy One continued on his way when I gently reminded him that we were going to get food first (it was now 1.00). ” Fine” he says and turns around swiftly almost taking a television with him.  We arrive at the very crowded food hall and I scan for an empty table.  Grabbing it as quickly as I could I sat down only to find husband trying to deal with trolley and child and not being able to manoeuver his way around another womans trolley. By this time Grumpy One had reached his limit and no matter what I tried there was no bringing him back.  We ate in silence, did a quick scan around the store, think there was momentary happiness at incredibly cheap Parathas and then we were bundled into the car heading south towards Chadstone. I think the only words spoken were “we are never coming again with the kids or on a weekend”.

We always end family outings with this quote and of course never do it.  So why do we keep punishing ourselves? Why do we keep banging our head against the wall and stressing ourselves out?

There are obvious reasons for going out as a family. Since we have moved it takes us longer to get anywhere and I don’t like the idea of Zee being home too long by himself.  A short time is fine but not all day, secondly we do not have relatives close by or know our neighbours well enough to babysit the Munchkin and I am not comfortable leaving the two of them home together in fear that only one will be standing when we return.  The biggest reason though is that I still cling to the hope that one day we will magically be able to connect as a family and manage family outings without the moans, the arguments and the stress.

There is a bright side today though, in my endeavours to remember that I always have a choice and am not a victim I managed to hold it together fairly well.  I didn’t feel like I was about to have a heart attack.  Do I have heartburn? yes and will probably for a day or so but I did remember to breath.  I also tried to take as many photos as I could on my phone as we rapidly speed through the city so at least I had a chance to play.  Maybe I will never have the family life I wanted and dreamed of, perhaps my expectations are too high but I am trying to remember to see the light in everything and have fun.  Life’s too short as they say.

I don’t know I’m just a beginner really what do you think?


Stepping into manhood – a mothers view June 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 12:29 pm
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first shoes

his first shoes

I have spent the weekend rearranging and changing rooms, it was a fairly big task to take on especially given that neither my husband or eldest son like change but after a rocky start and lots of tears I think everyone is happier.  It was possibly not the smartest choice given that the end of the financial year is literally days away and the office now has large piles of books and papers to sort through before I can even start working but at least they are in neat piles and the house is finally how I wanted it in the first place.

While sorting through the Munchkins room I found an old back pack full of shoes including the very first pair of shoes that my eldest son ever had.  It’s not the first time I have reconnected with these shoes but today they made more impact I suppose as it brought back so many memories.  It is hard to imagine that my now 6’3″ son was ever that small, the shoes seem so tiny but for his age, he was 14 months at the time, they were considered big.  Those size 5 feet have grown into size fourteen and my little boy is fast becoming a man and needing to shave.

So far the teenage experience is a challenging one,  sensitive, intense and emotional as a young child everything seems magnified.  He can be gentle one minute and explosive the next.  He rarely seems to speak but rather shouts and his constant questions to which are generally completely random but require highly specific answers have now turned into questions I am incapable of answering.  Like what is one billion, gazillion, million to the power of 4 “or If the world ended tomorrow and we travelled to the moon would we still eat cheese”.  He doesn’t like to be hugged but loves to hug me only he tends to grab me from behind and choke me and hasn’t realised that he is equally as strong as he is tall and that it often hurts me. We seem to clash a lot so when a magical moment happens they are precious and special treasures. Tonight was one of those occasions because I taught my son to shave.

It might seem such a simple thing to others but it means so much to me on many levels. Shaving someone is an intimate experience and this initation was one I never expected to be involved in. I assumed it was the fathers role and in fact expected it. His father and I had discussed it several times, I even arranged for Grandpa to be a back up, unfortunately  his father isn’t so good with these kind of moments he is not comfortable with such things and as Zee had been hinting of sorts at the shaving thing I got that he was finally ready.

For several months I have curbed the desire to pluck those little hairs out while he was sleeping, they taunted me daily but in the last few weeks the two little hairs mated and suddenly there was a family of them growing under his chin. I was beginning to see visions of Captain Sparrow and his plaited beard before me.  Does it really grow that quickly and will his worst fears be realised once he starts to shave and it become a daily occurrence?  These are things I cannot answer but I am simply grateful that my son was willing to share this ritual with me.

So there we were, warm water in the sink, face lathered and razor in hand, we were both a little nervous.  I used to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and paid particular attention to the grooming segment, (maybe I knew I would need this information later), so I felt comfortable with my knowledge regarding beard shaving technique but it is a different thing in reality and the thought of my son having blood gushing from his neck was a little intimidating. I calmed myself down as I realised that his choice of razor had managed to do a very good job on my legs over the years so they couldn’t be that dangerous.

Five minutes later the job was complete, perhaps not the smoothest job possible but I wanted him to understand the feel of the razor against his skin and the contours of his face and next time we can start to tackle the dark shadows appearing on his upper lip.

When I look back over the past 14 years I feel blessed to have been part of so many firsts, for the most part it was just the two of us sharing them together; his first feed, first bath, his first steps, first word, first tooth and the first tooth fairy, even his first day of school and so it seems fitting that I was allowed access to this manly passage.  I am especially honoured given that the permission came from my child who rarely lets me in on an intimate level. He shares little of his thoughts or feelings and I really got that he was ready to shave and was scared and wanted me to be there.

Hopefully there will be many more milestones and firsts for my son but my days of being part of them are likely numbered but for now I am honoured and doing a little happy dance that even though he is growing up so quickly, when life really matters to him he still wants me to be a part of it.


One piece at a time May 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — scorpiomamma @ 5:41 pm
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I have been trying to write another blog entry since Easter but haven’t as there is so much going on in my brain and so much rubbish to wade through that I don’t know where to start or for that matter how much I need to edit? I mean how much do I really want to reveal, how deep and truthful do I want to get? Do I want my friends to know how badly I am failing as a woman, wife and mother.

When asking for help on said blog, a friend told me to “pick one subject and write on that” but that’s easier said than done.  What do you do when every aspect of your life is spewed out on the floor as though a tidal wave had ravaged through your house leaving a wake of destruction.   Where do you start when the mess seems endless and the idea of starting seems so completing overwhelming?

And so to take my friend’s advice I being to write…..

30 minutes later and am basically staring at the same 3 paragraphs.  I have written and erased 20 more but one topic merges into another and then suddenly it doesn’t make sense.  Time to make a coffee and come start again.  H3 (4 yr old) has fallen asleep amazingly, so am using quiet time constructively to write my blog, am feeling pleased.

Right, lets begin.  Big Sigh, wriggle in chair. pull knickers out of bum.  Okay …..

After reviewing the events of the past few days its interesting to me how much they parallel my life.  For instance, I had always planned on marrying Prince Edward, I guess I could have aimed higher but Prince Charles was really an old fogie and just didn’t do it for me, Prince Andrew was okay but Prince Edward was much closer to me in age and lets face it was rather cute.  I was forever faithful and wrote to him often declaring my love and patiently waited for his in return but alas, as my letters went unanswered, I moved on.  Hugh Grant did have my affections for a while but then there was the “incident” and my parents would never have allowed it.   I did eventually marry an Englishman and while he isn’t of Royal decent he is a plumber so you could say I finally have my connection to the Throne.

H2 (14 yr old) has arrived home and is actually talking to me, obviously a good day at school today….  “Hey mum guess what my english homework is?” ‘”Don’t know what?” “Reading haha” .

 H1 (plumber) arrives shortly after,  Oh God, I’m on a roll and now they want to interact!!  it’s a conspiracy they never speak to me. Please leave am being creative.  Okay where was I….

I guess trying to suggest that my life is at all connected to a Terrorist is a bit much and probably dangerous at this point in time but I did tell you my mind was a mess and as I can barely verbalize a complete sentence am sure I’m safe.  I am not a fan of war and violence although my family think I am a terrorist or is that terrorize??  I have to confess that once a month (although they say it’s always), some weird force does take over my body and I cannot be held accountable for my actions.  To be fair I try to warn them off, “My boobs are going to explode, do not come near me or reap the consequences”  or “Am feeling like a time bomb today please tread gently” do they listen?? NO!! and yet somehow I am a crazy person who needs to be locked up,  perhaps to a child the sight of their mother frothing at the mouth and steam billowing out her nostrils is a bit intimidating but I really do try to warn them.  You would have thought that after 15 years H1 would know how to defuse me especially as I kindly gave him a blueprint with very clear and precise instruction but he lost it.

I just hope that when the children are older they still have some compassion and don’t come after with me missiles.

The heating is coming on and I can hear the pipes expanding, it sounds like mice, we had a plague of them just recently.  It was disgusting.  I could have literally packed up and moved just to get away from them.  I am really not sure what is worse; finding decapitated bodies on the floor (thank God I was looking where my feet were going), or pulling or should I say tearing the couch literally apart trying to find where the stench was coming from only to discover a mouse way past its use by date lying not so peacefully on the floor.  Or the time I opened the laundry door and grabbed the doggie treat bag only to have a mouse attack me and gnaw my eyes out, okay that part isn’t true but the doggie bag part is and I did nearly die on the spot when the biscuit I was getting felt warm and soft.

Its 5.00 and therefore I should be thinking about food as it will soon be time to leave for Karate.  H1 and H2 have been doing Karate for years and I have been thinking about joining for a while but am 1. terribly unfit and 2. H3 needs a lot of looking after so a good excuse but tonight is parent/student evening so it really does seem like the perfect opportunity.

Can you see how my mind is working?  it is actually poignant that I finally write my blog today as it may possibly be my last. Sensei is one tough cookie – not Tiffany but if you know TBL you will get the point.

Random and not so random thoughts still race through my brain and in all serious I know it will take some time to sort through them all and work out how I’m feeling and what to do next but I have, at least I think I have, come to a realisation. It doesn’t matter what event has taken place, whether it’s a wedding, funeral or natural disaster the end result is always the same.

As we stare at the aftermath wondering where to begin there really is only one thing to do first to regain some order. Sort through the mess and clean it up once piece at a time.